Ashamed of Shame

Shame suffocates me. I can’t breathe or I won’t breathe because I am too ashamed to even suck up the air I need. I’m not sure when the shame birthed itself but I can remember hiding because of it very early in my life. The kind of hiding when you pretend you don’t notice someone you know because you don’t have anything to say that will match their perfectly wonderful life.

I am 51, reasonably attractive and reasonably successful. Yet today as I shopped in Marshall’s looking for the latest cheap deal on a dress, wearing my sloppy Sunday shorts, I caught a glance of an old boyfriend from high school with his wife. I hadn’t seen him in years but we connected on facebook last year and exchanged a few pleasantries but then I backed off. From his posts I gathered he made oodles of money, is a committed husband and loving father, all the things I failed having with a man. I couldn’t face him without looking my best. I slinked away between the shirt racks.

There is another way I hide. I withdraw from the moment. My body is there but my heart disappears.

Yesterday started out as a beautiful day with a long drive planned to a quiet beach to spend time with my daughter and her much loved dogs. From the moment she slammed the transmission into drive she was seething with anger, a fight the night before with her father lingered in every movement. Then the hate poured out of her mouth like vomit. “I hate him! I hate grandma and Sal! I hate them all!”

Pictures of long gone battles with my ex-husband and his family popped up like a continuous row of jack-in-a-boxes exploding in my skull. The buried frustration, the disgust, the disappointment rocked back and forth like clown heads on a spring. Then the shame of bringing her into those circumstances stifled any expression of love like a nylon stocking pulled down tight over my face. I couldn’t smile. I couldn’t communicate. I couldn’t be.

I lost 6 hours of my life yesterday in a time warp of shame.

I lied. I think I know when the shame started. It was somewhere between wondering where my father was and trying to not be a problem for my irritable mother. They divorced when I was less than 3 years old and I have no memories of him. Only a few pictures I found in a closet shoebox that substitute for memories that should have been. My mother was always angry, even for silly things it seemed when I was young. Not sure if she was always that way or if it was because of him leaving.  Either way, I had to keep my guard up. Less than perfect would not do. If she left too, who would take care of me? If I made her angry, who would protect me?

Still stuck in this little girl place where it’s not safe, I am ashamed for even being here after all these years.

And yet, I perpetuate the shame by judging myself for even having it. It is not the shame that causes me disharmony. It is my judgment for having it.

I am allowed and encouraged to experience all parts of humanity without judgment. This allowing is forgiveness. It is surrender to what is rather than fighting and judging the temporary experience of this moment. And through the allowing, forgiving and surrendering, the shame is finally free to move on and out of my physical body and mind. Thus restoring balance and center to once again feel what I truly am, a magnificent being that is part of the Whole, yet expressing itself uniquely in this human body.

With compassion,


Prisoner No More!

The peace we seek from anxiety, fear, anger, sadness or depression comes through our forgiveness. True forgiveness sees the absolute, perfect innocent inner core of every person, including ourselves, no matter what has happened, no matter what the “evil” or “ugly” appearances may be.

True forgiveness dissolves all grievances against others and ourselves. When all grievances are dissolved, so too are all the blocks to the Love and the Light that is God. What is then revealed and experienced next, is that the Love and the Light of God were always within us and within the other people; at one time held back by grievances but now rushing forth in freedom.

This is the miracle of true forgiveness. It releases us from being prisoners of our egos that want to blame and shame everyone including ourselves for all problems. True forgiveness  allows us to settle back peacefully into the truth of who we are, unlimited manifestations of the Love and Light of God with no real problems at all.

Forgiveness is the only real purpose we have underneath all the different roles we play in our lives; doctor, teacher, mother, father, lover, caregiver, advocate, activist, friend, employee, employer, etc.

Forgiveness simultaneously reveals to both the giver and the receiver, the Godliness inherent in every person and situation which releases us from the fear of everyone and everything.

(Godliness if correctly perceived would make us feel safe. Why would anyone need to fear the Godliness of anything which is an attribute of God, the loving creator of all that is? Unless, of course, we believe the false notion that God punishes, which would increase our fear….this false idea of a punitive God will be the subject of another blog!)

This experience of inherent Godliness is in direct opposition to the self created pain and suffering of the world which results from our grievances; our anger, our fear, our insecurity, our judgment, etc.

When we drop our grievances, EVEN FOR ONE MOMENT, by being aware of the innocent, God created core of each person including ourselves, peace will flood our entire being. We will instantly know that we have touched an eternal and everlasting truth that is the only real truth in this world.

Imagine functioning every day of our lives being aware of this truth? Imagine having this awareness permeate every conversation we have with another?

Our confidence would soar. Our hearts would easily embrace difficulty. Our vision to see solutions would be clear. As a result our joy and happiness would multiply because all our anxiety would decrease.

We would simply smile peacefully living each day with grace and appreciation for having glimpsed this truth; that at the inner level, all are safe as the Love and Light of God.

Nothing in this world can truly harm our inner core, it is only our egos that may be bruised, the very same egos that kept us chained to our grievances and blocked us from the Love and Light that now frees us into our peace.



God Is Like Air

God is the ever-present presence that some call the Universe or the Divine which is intrinsic to everything in the physical world.

In this respect God is like air. At some point in our lives God may seem un-definable or perhaps even non-existent as it is not something tangible we can touch.

However just like air, God is quietly everywhere, within everything.  Think of a vacuum sealed bag that has all the air sucked out of it. It collapses to a mere fraction of the original volume.

That is the impact of no air. That is the impact of life without the recognition of God, the Universe and/or the Divine as present within everything. As a result, the experience of life shrinks to a mere fraction of what is true.

God is also like air in that it has no judgment in the way that human beings judge. Air and God will seek to fill any space without discrimination.

 If you force the air or God out, suffocation and a restricted experience of life will ensue.

That is not punishment or vengefulness. That is just a consequence of no air or no God. There is no judgment in that. That just is what is.

Human beings have been programmed to believe in many ways that this suffering of suffocation and restriction is the result of angering God or not obeying his commands.

Again God is like air. It seeks to fill all vacuums. When we shut God or air out, what happens is a non-judgmental result. To attach fearful emotions to God or even to air for that matter is to humanize God and air. It reduces something that is so powerful and vital to life, to the earthly qualities of a human being who can only exist for a short time on this planet and is powerless to change that fact.

Meanwhile God and air live on.

Fear is the idea that there is no non-judgmental, always life-affirming God like this. Fear is the programming there is only a judgmental God who is angry and waiting to punish us when we do not obey and when we do obey, this same God is loving, joyful and waiting to reward us.

Forgiveness is the understanding that we and others are blinded by this fear programming and because of that cannot see the truth of God and air in everything. We find it difficult to act in a loving manner, life-affirming manner because we are scared of the final judgment of God and seek in every moment to protect ourselves from that fate.

Forgiveness understands that the horrific thoughts we have thought and acts we have committed against ourselves and others are done out of the ignorance or the innocence of the truth of God…or air.

We are like fearful children, striking out at the monster under the bed. We scream, blame and shame ourselves and others for what seems threatening to us. We strike out at our bed with anything we can to defend ourselves from this imagined monster which seems so real. In the wake of this blindness we say and do life-destroying words and actions.

But just like the child, sometimes we must be tough on ourselves and others to stop the mad thoughts and actions. With the understanding of the blindness, innocence and ignorance due to fear programming, we can take protective actions with love and compassion rather than vengefulness or anger.

With forgiveness for our blindness and others, we can stop taking the fearful acts of others and ourselves personally. We see that all people live in their own bubble of fear and cannot see the truth of God ever-present everywhere as they buy into the fearful programming and are lost.

With forgiveness, we can do what we must do to live our lives to the fullest and to nurture life affirming thoughts and actions. If someone or something must be stopped because their words or action are life-destroying, we can do what needs to be done but with this heightened awareness and understanding that is the essence of forgiveness.

All resentment, anger, hatred and righteousness are forms of fear and taking things personally instead of realizing the blindness caused by fear programming.

Today, let us think of God as air and allow the Divine to take up residence within us with a deep breath.

Just when someone says something or does something out of fearful programming, see the truth of that, take a deep breath and allow God in.

We may surprise ourselves at how instantly we see things differently.

With trust,